8 Simple Rules For Following Low Carb (Because You People Are Starting To Piss Me Off)

I’m still a regular visitor over at the Low Carb Board That Shall Not Be Named. There’s been a flood of noobs over there since those studies came out a couple of weeks ago that low carb might not be all that evil. Now I don’t claim to be any great diet guru but Jesus, even when I was first starting to get into this I didn’t ask the stupid shit I’m seeing there. Since I would get flamed to a crisp for saying anything remotely negative like “really, you’re this dumb and you’ve reproduced?” I will write my list here.

1. READ THE FUCKING BOOK. Atkins, Protein Power, Carbohydrate Addicts, whatever you’ve decided to do. If you’re cheap you can find all of them in used bookstores but for the love of God read the damn thing. There is a 99.9999998 percent chance that what you’re asking will be found in the book. Don’t say you’re following XYZ plan and make it blatantly obvious you picked it because your 28-month-old DD sounded cute when she said the name.

2. If you have to ask “can I eat (whatever)”, you can’t. See rule one for clarification.

3. Many people wiser than me have said this--if you try to recreate the way you used to eat on a low-carb plan you will fail. Just because it’s sugar-free low-carb shit doesn’t mean it’s not shit.

4. When in doubt, eat meat and veggies. Actually, when in doubt just eat meat. You don’t need veggies—that’s a holdover from the indoctrination we got that veggies = health. They don’t.

5. Ketostix are useless unless you’re a type 1 diabetic. Because you know what happens once your body gets used to using ketones as fuel? The sticks stop changing color. Also pink or purple is no indication you’re losing weight. Lora Ruffner of the Low Carb Luxury site once got stalled for a SOLID YEAR—and all the while her ketostix were nice dark purple.

6. Scales? If you weigh once a month or so, okay. Three or more times a day? Useless again, particularly if you’re a woman. Go by how you feel and how your clothes fit.

7. Don’t panic if you don’t drop ten pounds in the first week. Don’t panic if you’ve been losing relatively quickly and then tail off. Just don’t fucking panic, okay?

8. It’s very easy to stress out about eating too much/too little, exercising too much/not enough, responding badly to food, etc. That’s the beauty of eating this way—you can tweak to your heart’s content. Try different things and find what works for you. Just because someone has 5000 posts on the board doesn’t mean they’re not talking out of their ass. Pay attention to those who’ve lost weight, or those who seem to be honest about everything. There’s a lot of people who just use the place for social hour. You can tell who the serious ones are—even if they joke around.

Go in peace.

Tweaking like a meth addict

The Carnivorous Regime continues, with some success and a lot of playing around. The only dairy I eat these days is heavy cream, used to boost the fat content of stuff like chicken breasts and tilapia (the only fish I can eat that doesn't gross me out). It is carefully measured out as well. Red meat was banished temporarily, only to be brought back. Tonight I ate whole eggs for the first time in a while to see if they affect me. Still keeping green stuff to the weekends. I dutifully plug in my numbers into Fitday, averaging about a 60/40 fat/protein ratio and about 1700 calories. And I go to the gym at 4:30 in the morning for either a couple miles on the elliptical or lifting.

My suspicions about my scale being off? Correct. I bought an analog scale and found I was 220. And I kept being 220. The little voices started whispering. Maybe Good Calories, Bad Calories is bullshit. Maybe you'll have to start doing low-fat like you used to. Up the fat. Lower the protein. Get rid of the veggies.

At the same time, though, there were encouraging signs. My jeans were getting extraordinarily loose in the legs and ass. A favorite pair of black suede ankle boots that were sitting in my closet for five years because last time I tried to wear them the zipper only went up a half inch could now be zipped all the way (and worn to a concert). A pair of pull-on khakis that I'd bought three years ago no longer gave me a continent-swallowing camel toe and could be worn in public. My original engagement ring--yes, I have two--which similarly sat in my ring holder for about the same amount of time as the boots in my closet now sparkles on my right ring finger. There is a definite hollow beneath my breast bone that doesn't require me sucking in my stomach to see it. I sleep a little better. My nails are growing nicely. My gums look awesome.

And Tuesday the choir of angels sang as the scale read 215. The scale at the gym was 218.5, leading me to believe that this is accurate. There was joy and perhaps a little squeeing.

I don't miss veggies or sweets. Heavy cream, a past bugaboo, looks like it can be controlled. The only thing I want now is for my weight to start with a 1. Maybe before my birthday in two months. Maybe sometime this year.

The Episode In Which LRA Becomes A Carnivore

A few weeks ago I volunteered for my city's Race For The Cure with a few other people from my company. There were pictures taken for the company's in-house magazine and they were forwarded along to us. I was only in one. That was plenty because I looked completely awful in it. I know it's said the camera adds ten pounds, but I didn't think that would include a double chin and a bright red face.

So I slowly gathered my resolve and three weeks ago I cut all plant life out of my diet. I eat mostly meat, some egg whites and a little cheese and butter (and I'm, ahem, cutting the cheese once it's gone). I do have green stuff with one meal on Saturdays but that's it--yep, I've turned into the freak for whom vegetables are treats. And ... I'm feeling better. One thing I noticed immediately is that my normally crappy gums look gorgeous now. I have a cleaning in three weeks--thanks to said crappy gums and teeth I have to get quarterly cleanings, but I am hoping that this new regimen might aid in getting me down to twice a year like normal people. I've lost three pounds, down to 211, and in addition to my gingivitis clearing up my face is a little less red (I suspect I might have rosacea and this regimen is supposed to be good for it), I'm not bloating/retaining water and I'm sleeping a lot better. I've also returned to the gym with a vengeance, back to my 6x/week workouts. I have to do that since I spend the majority of my time sitting on my ass staring at a computer screen. Best of all ... I'm not hungry. I don't have the urge to go face first in a bucket of cream sauce or cheesecake (even if it is low-carb). I eat my two meals a day and I'm good to go.

Mmm, meat--om nom nom nom ...